11 Girly Things Huffpo Wishes Men Would Do To Emasculate Themselves

The emasculation of American men is a real problem, but as much as the liberal left would like to subvert the less fair, and more cave-mannish angels of our nature, nature finds a way.

That was, after all, the whole lesson of Jurassic Park, the movie, and I’m pretty sure the book as well, had I read the whole thing through instead of just watching the movie again.*

That’s why ridiculous lists like “11 ‘Girly’ Things Men Wish They Could Do Without Judgement” appear in liberal websites like the Huffington Post, I’m shocked and dismayed for three reasons. One, that women believe such tripe; two, that men act like there’s validity to such a list; and three, that women would actually want such things to be true.

There’s a few hints right off the bat that such a list is ludicrous and without any merit. Before you even read the damn article, I would like to direct your attention to the author – her name is Alanna Vagianos. Now, I’m sure I’ll be accused of gender stereotyping, but “Alanna” sure does sound like a woman’s name to me. So why is a woman writing a list about men’s desires?

If she knew anything about men, she’d know a list of men’s desires hardly needs to number beyond 2 or 3 things. I’ll leave those up to your imagination.

Here’s another hint – the article is posted in “Huffpo Women.” Now, I dare you to look through my body of work and find any list I might have written about “women’s desires.” Most men don’t dare try to navigate the labyrinthine corridors of the M.C. Escher fourth-dimensional chess game that God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to make the female mind into. And if we tried, we’d probably be derided and mocked for it, and rightfully so. And yet for some reason, Alanna thinks she can plunge the shallow depths of the masculine soul and pull out eleven “girly” desires.

Of course she does. Her LinkedIn page shows she just graduated from college months ago with a degree in “Social Policy in Women’s Issues.” I can’t think of anyone more suited to understand the male psyche than a rabid feminist right out of college.

Well anyway, let’s get to the list.

It was composed from her “favorites” from a comment thread on the question, “Guys of Reddit, what girly thing do you really want to do or try but it is socially unacceptable?

Now, she ignores the fact that many of the responses have to do with indiscriminate sex, or having drinks purchased for them, and goes for the most emasculating responses, of course.

1) Have more stylish clothing options

Since when has this been a major problem? I see men wear stylish stuff all the time, including dangerously extravagant colors and designs. Not my thing, but unless you’re really itching to wear a skirt and pearls, we have plenty of style options. I have a feeling this is an attempt to get us all in footie pajamas.

2) Be able to talk about other men being attractive

The closest I can come to understanding this is when thinking I’d like to emulate another man I find successful – this is different from attraction. And even then I don’t talk about it nor do I feel the need to talk to about it. And frankly, I’d feel weird if a friend brought it up. So, no thanks. We don’t need guys sitting around complimenting attractive men, beyond a high five after an awesome pass down the football field.

3) Order “girly” drinks

Again, what is the problem? I’ve ordered sweeter drinks and suffered the slings and arrows of mockery from other guys. Who cares? I’m not sure why men are afraid to order whatever they want.

4) Get treated to a spa day

This is so out of my sphere of desires, I don’t even know how to process it. If I want to relax, I watch football and drink too many beers. Men are made for utility and women for beauty – only one belongs at a spa. But Cory Booker is trying to change all that.

5) Carry a purse

I like to carry as little as possible at all times. I don’t need a bigger bag to hold stuff in. Now, despite Joe Rogan trying to bring back the fanny pack, I either carry nothing, or my business satchel. And that’s manly, dammit. And if it isn’t I’ll start carrying a bow and arrow quiver. And I won’t call it a quiver. Because that doesn’t sound masculine either.

6) Dance like no one’s watching

Again, alcohol makes all the difference. I’ve gone far along in life to embarrass myself on a dance floor at wedding receptions and had to hear about it from friends with memories less impaired than mine. Beyond that, I have no sober urge to twerk or to, “dance with my arms up, like in a girly way.” And I’m ok with that.

7) Wear makeup

Nope, not ever. The closest a man should come to make up is letting hot wing sauce linger on his face a little too long.

8) Get pampered by women

What the hell is this? “Chivalry and tradition teach young men they should buy meals and movie tickets, but many responded that they would like to be wined and dined once in awhile.” Apart from being cheap, no, it feels good and right to buy stuff for a woman. Someone actually said they want women to buy men flowers? What in God’s holy name would I want with flowers? Give them to my second girlfriend I hide from the first one who gave them to me? I’m confused.

9) Wear yoga pants

I have to think the guys who would dare suggest this are just hipsters who are tired of wearing tight skinny jeans because the cloth is too dense. Alanna quotes a guy saying they feel like kittens hugging your legs. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about how my legs felt ever in my life unless they were in intense pain. Who are these people?

10) Have fun with one’s children without being judged

Again, if you’re a real man you don’t care who judges you if you’re having fun with your kids. But there is a limit. Alanna cites a man who skips with his daughter while holding hands? This isn’t the Sound of Music, and you’re just conditioning your daughter to believe men should be unserious and silly, which sounds great when they’re young, but awful when she brings home a long-haired moon worshiping freak with a Ph.D in sixteen century Belgian lesbian studies whose only skill is playing the guitar. So stop the skipping.

11) Be able to show emotion without being labeled as gay or a “p*ssy.”

No. Men’s emotions are meant to be kept in and driven down into a deep dark hidden chamber in our steely souls until years of high blood pressure and stress drive us to an early death. A glorious death. A death deserving of real men. Also there are some emotions which are permissible to display – they are anger, ‘my football team made it to the play-offs’, and arousal. That’s it.

So that’s it. Resist the temptation, men. We are habituated by society to do what women tell us, but listen to your nature and instead do what you know is right. Be a man. Don’t help Alanna and Girly Huffpo try to redefine an equation for masculinity that has worked for at least five thousand years, and was designed by God to keep us happy and manly.

Otherwise you’ll end up like Pajama Boy.

*This is not true, I read it a few times and nearly every other Crichton novel as well. And I don’t care who knows it.