Occupy Wall Street

The Occupy Guitarmy’s 99-Mile Death March

After the spectacular failure of Occupy Wall Street’s “National Gathering” that culminated on the Fourth of July, the protesters began a “99 mile march” from Philadelphia to Zucotti Park near Wall Street.

Citizen Journalist Blog has details:

About 45 people allegedly signed up for the walk. According to the march organizer, Daphne Carr, 100 people started out on the march this morning.  Many started with nothing more than a water bottle, not seeming concerned about provisioning for the trip.

Carr said that that there would be three meals a day and plenty of water, plus precautionary measures to handle the heat. An air-conditioned van is riding alongside the chain of walkers, five medics are traveling with them, and they plan to stop for a rest for ten minutes out of every hour.

That is quite the brony march. I imagine with all the planning they did, including their “visioning process”, tv-puppet shows, and kindergarten crafts like yarn “web of intentions” plotting, there’s no way this 99-moron march can be a success.

Looking at the picture above which only shows about 40 moron occupiers, I confidently predict this will turn into the donner party before they get anywhere near Wall Street. These are the idiots who whined that the Philadelphia had “banned” water from them and wanted them to die of dehydration when the city wouldn’t supply them with water. While they were in the middle of Philadelphia. Surrounded by bars and shops were water was readily available.

So I will document each tragic occupier death as the collapse under the sun, begging local government to bring them food and water because after all, they’re entitled, aren’t they?

Let’s peek in on the diary of an occupier!


11:45 AM: There is some crazy here saying that asking for the government to bail out my $150,000 student loan for my degree in Metaphysical Lesbianism and Interior Gayness of the Soul. I think he’s either insane, or a plant by the Bilderbergers. Who would dare say such an awful thing?!

They complied with the police much too quickly. Must have been in league with them and the Koch brothers. I’ll have to tweet this to my team leader and let our secret father George Soros know there is a conspiracy by the wealthy against us. Maybe he’ll send candy.


2:42 PM: Some of the comrades are trying to rape each other, and small woodland animals we encounter. While my anthropology PhD training tells this taboo is merely a social construct meant to oppress the feral free love of the human spirit, it’s kinda sick.

I’m glad someone said something. And that I brought an extra pair of ironic skinny pants.


10:47 PM: The occupy leaders/organizers only brought enough doritos and slim jims for the first 10 mins. We are very hungry… tried to break in to a grocery store, but the patriarchy stopped me. Looked like some Christian zealot. I’m so hungry.

Sent out this tweet for help:

No one responded.