The Science Is IN: What Your Favorite Beer Says About Your Dating Style
What greater use is there for science than to help women figure out what kind of guy they’re dating by merely looking at the beer they’re drinking? I don’t know! I really couldn’t follow that long question because I’ve been drinking since noon.
In any case, the website WhatsYourPrice.Com, which otherwise arranges for wealthy men to bid for a date (ahem) with very attractive women (so not shady at all), performed the complex multivariable calculus and quantum physics calculations in order to give you an insight on what kind of man drinks each kind of beer.
Prepare to be blinded by science!
Only a manly masculine man guzzles down the Guinness. Puts some hair on your chest, and some fight in your fists, and a long police record. Apropos of nothing, Guinness guzzlers also cheat on their spouses a lot. Weird.
BLUE MOON IMBIBERS
The “hopeless romantic.” This guy will buy you roses, and candy and send you cards on valentine’s day, and sends you texts just to remind you that he’s thinking about you. While you date the manly Guinness drinker above. Loser.
BUD LIGHT BOOZERS
The “Party Boy” apparently drinks Bud Light – ostensibly because you can’t party on a full belly, and they like their beer with some taste, unlike Coors drinkers, but not any good taste, like everyone else. Bud Light drinkers are very social – so make sure to keep one hand over your drink when partying with them.
DOS EQUIS DRINKERS
The “geek” drinks Dos Equis?! Maybe that’s why they started the “Most Interesting Man In The World” ads – in actuality, Dos drinkers are the nerdiest men in the world. Actually Dos Equis is fantastic with Mexican food. And apparently, it’s the favored beer of Star Trek enthusiasts and fantasy card gamers who use their imaginations to cast sleep spells on trolls.
Consumers of Corona are classified as the “Adventurous” and “Free-Spirited” among us. They must especially enjoy adventures involving tossing craptastic past their gullets. Free-spirited, and free of good taste.
Old-fashioned. Stable. Conservative. These are the Budweiser drinkers. Those who yell “get off my lawn!” at the partying Bud Light users, and “Dey Terk Arr Jawrbs!” at the Corona drinkers. And mostly just yell at people drunkenly. And conservatively.
MILLER LIGHT LIBATIONS
The favorite libation of “the Jock” is Miller Light, though you probably don’t want to say “libation” in his presence, or he’ll beat you up for being effeminate, you pansy Pabst Blue Ribbon drinker. What better way to bro out while watching men pat themselves on the butt during sports events than to drink some cheap Miller? Quit asking stupid questions, you nancy boy.
ANOTHER BLUE MOON ENTRY (because why not?)
Aww the “Nice Guy” – no wonder Blue Moon drinkers are also romantics – they get to stay at home, crying in their beers while reading Cosmo and watching Nicholas Sparks’ movies in order to get tips on how to smother chicks and drive them into the arms of the Budweiser and Guinness drinkers. But hey, your grandma thinks you’re a winner.
Hey hey! The Heineken drinker is the Comedian! Always accosting you with annoying puns and jokes cribbed from Jay Leno’s monologue the night before. Under that clownish exterior, there’s a broken, cynical soul embittered by life’s experiences, just reaching out for attention and affirmation which his father never gave him. Great at parties.
PABST BLUE RIBBON PARTAKERS
Finally, the hipsters. These snark-tossing, thin-jeanned, ironically mustached slackers think they’re entitled to sneer at everything and everyone just because they languish at their job as a barista after wasting 4 years on their Masters degree in 17th century Belgian lesbian studies. But hey, they’re trendy.
For those of you who are interested, I mostly drink Bud Light, Yuengling, Guinness, and when I can find it, Tsingtao. And I really hate hipsters. In case you couldn’t tell.